Q & A: How to Help a Friend Who is Grieving the Loss of a Sibling

By: Amanda Wormann

Question: A close friend of mine just lost her brother, who was her best friend, unexpectedly due to liver failure and they still don’t know what happened. She is absolutely devastated. Wondering if you have any advice about how I can support her right now?

It’s very kind that you’re trying to find ways to navigate her loss and be there for her. Everyone’s experience is different, but I know for me, I just appreciated friends showing up as my friend no different than they used to. When you suffer a loss of this magnitude, sometimes people distance themselves from you because they don’t know what to do or say and they assume people need or want space. All of a sudden, you look around and think, “wait, where did everyone go?”

As a friend, it’s important to know it’s a lifelong process, and sometimes you need people the most once everything settles down and the funerals are over (which is sometimes all a blur) and life goes back to “normal,” but your life feels anything but normal. The fact that you’re even asking how you can support her shows that she’s already got a great friend in you and the best thing you can do is keep being that for her.

I’m not sure if you’ve read my Huff Post story I wrote a few years ago, but I know it’s been really helpful for people who are in my same situation. It may be early for her to read, but I do know that it’s helped people at every stage of their grieving process. You could pass it along to her and tell her someone you know has shared it and you wanted to send it to her in case it’s helpful, and that in turn can hep the conversation of how you can best show up for her.

if this just happened, here are a few things I remember standing out that friends did for me in those early days around the funeral that may not seem obvious.

Help put together photos for the services. Many of my friends knew my brother, so going through old photos for photo boards for the services was a fun process and a nice way to celebrate and grieve. I remember it making me feel like they were a part my journey,  rather than on the outside looking in.

Go shopping for something to wear to the services. No one plans to be a part of a wake or funeral – WTF are you supposed to wear to these things anyways? I wanted to celebrate my brother’s life and show up as myself, rather than dark and gloomy. I remember my best friend coming with me to find an outfit that felt just right.

Stayed near. At the wake, they didn’t crowd me but always stayed near in a place where I knew they were. There were hundreds of people at my brother’s wake and greeting, hugging, and talking with every single person can be overwhelming and straight up exhausting. When I needed a break or a breathe of fresh air to just feel normal again, I knew exactly where they were.

These are just a couple of ideas based on my experience. But like I said, the best thing you can do is show up as the friend you’ve always been.